I’m Afraid of My Baby.

I’m afraid of my baby.
Well, not anymore.
But there was a time when that tiny human scared me to my core.
And when I say “scared” I don’t mean in the scary movie-walking alone in a dark alley-Halloween night-creaky doors-and-shadows kind of scared. Just genuinely scared.
The first time I realized I was afraid of her was when we were dressing her to go home from the hospital. Since I went into labor a full month before my due date I was not exactly prepared. As in, I didn’t have the little cutesy outfit from one of those ridiculous online boutiques. Instead, I had a gray newborn Carter’s sleeper with a pink mouse on the side of it and a non-matching white and gray polka dot hat. This outfit was picked out by Mitch who was tasked with packing the diaper bag while I feverishly threw shit in my hospital bag. I remember hollering into the nursery “Just pick out the smallest outfit, I don’t have many newborn clothes, yet.” In fact, I think I only had two newborn outfits in her closet at the time.

I digress.

As I was taking off her hospital issued long sleeve onesie I realized I didn’t have my own white short sleeve onesie to put on under this gray outfit. While, I know the onesie was unnecessary it was an oversight on my part that bothered me immensely. I felt extremely unprepared in that moment while I attempted to maneuver this little girls arms and legs into this boring outfit. As I zipped up the one piece over her bare chest I felt my own tighten.
We placed her in the car seat and I tucked a receiving blanket around her and over her lap hoping that would make up for the missing onesie. And from then on – I was terrified of her.
I’m sure every new parent is a little nervous or hesitant at first but this was more than that. I jumped out of my skin every time she made a peep let alone cried. I didn’t understand how someone that I loved so much could send me into a constant state of panic.

Once I was able to identify and come to terms with this feeling I tried to find the root cause and to this day I am still searching. Maybe it was fear of the unknown, or of unintentionally hurting her with my lack of knowledge or maybe it was postpartum. All I know is that this fear kept be confined to the house for months. The most I would travel was to my mother’s house or the local grocery store (each only 10 minutes away.) Looking back I am shocked at how much I was afraid of her. I can’t really pinpoint when this fear faded but it did and I eventually gained some confidence that I might actually know what I’m doing.
And here we are, quickly approaching her first birthday, and it concurrently feels like the shortest yet longest year of my life. When people tell you “Enjoy it! It goes by fast!” and “Oh you’ll miss these days!” it is true. And cliche. And sad. My heart aches when I think of how much Stella has grown over this past year. I wish I could go back and re-live it because I don’t think I enjoyed it enough.

However, the joy of watching her grow and learn new things everyday is slowly making up for the time I felt I missed with her.

I’m happy to say I am no longer afraid of her – I am amazed by her.

Amazed that she managed to survive without that damn white onesie.


Motherhood & Things That Make Me Stabby – Part II

Motherhood will completely change you. You will see life through rose colored glasses and develop an immense amount of patience like you’ve never known before.

Just kidding. 

Lack of sleep and raging hormones might make you a monster. Obviously, I love my baby and would chew the leg off anyone that looked at her the wrong way like a rabid hound. But on most days, I’m still just my normal self – full of hostility and rage for minor inconveniences.

I touched on this before and you can see that here in Part I. Below is an addendum to that list.

-The fact that I sounded like such a tool in the Part I post.. why did anyone give me Internet privileges in 2014? 
-Photobucket. They hacked all our photos unless we want to pay something like $400 a year… Obviously I don’t have $400 because I needed your free site to host my photos. 
-The tiny little plastic pieces in brand new babies clothes, sheets, towels, and toys. You know the pieces that hold together a group of towels – they are clear plastic with a skinny end and larger flat end? There are typically 50 in any given baby item and no matter how hard you try to remove them all you’ll miss at least 5. And those 5 pieces will scratch the shit out of your baby when you’re trying to dress them or dry them off. 
-Diaper cream. It is the thickest, stickiest goo that I have ever encountered. When Stella goes off to college instead of arming her with pepper spray I am going to give her diaper cream to carry in her purse. If ever she needs to ward off an attacker I will instruct her to cover herself completely in diaper cream making it impossible for the attacker to grab her. She will slip out of his grip allowing her to get away. The police will be able to easily identify the attacker because diaper doesn’t come off for days.

-When you pour the conditioner in your hand thinking it’s shampoo when you start to wash your hair in the shower.

-These kind of commercials:“If you are interested in patio awnings call 1-800-555-5555. Again if you are interested – please call 1-800-555-5555 at 1-800-555-5555. 1-800-555-5555, again, 1-800-555-5555 for patio awnings. Don’t forget to call 1-800-555-5555. 1-800-555-5555.”
I need to see the research on these types of commercials and how effective they actually are. Or better yet, I’d like to see the statistical data on the demographic these commericals sell to.. because I’m picturing someone who still says shit like “Get ‘er done!” and goes to tractor pulls at county fairs.

-When you drop your cellphone on your face while laying on your back.

-How eating healthy = more dishes. That is my biggest problem with eating healthy. I know, first world problems. But it is so much easier to throw in a frozen pizza than to get out 50 dishes and utensils to make a healthy meal at home.

-Getting peanut butter out of the bottom of the jar. I manage to get peanut butter up to my elbows during this process.

-When pasta water boils over and makes a mess of the stove top. And yes, I use the wooden spoon trick but apparently our water is extra bubbly because nothing stops it.

-How every single person I went to high school with is now selling Rodan & Fields, LuLaRoe, Isagenix, Advocare, Scentsy, Lipsense, Young Living essential oils, Paparazzi jewelry and whatever else. Are these people actually making money? If so, sign me up but I am totally skeptical that your $5 bracelet is making you any profit. I appreciate their hustle but my Facebook feed reminds me of those annoying mall kiosk people who chase you down to “ask you a question” and give you lotion samples.

-When you follow a car to the same destination. This just happened to me going to the grocery store and the woman called me out on it “Ohhh I’ve been in your way since you left your house!” Yup, actually Carol you have been in my way. All I needed was 1 lime for guacamole which should have been a 10 minute errand but since you drive slower than molasses it took 10 minutes to just get to the store. And then low and behold who pulls into the parking spot I wanted? And then whose cart is blocking the produce section directly in front of the limes…

See? Motherhood hasn’t changed me, yet.

What are things that make you stabby?

Sincerely and Sarcastically,


I Don’t Cry

I don’t cry.
I didn’t cry when we talked about the future or what that meant for us.
I didn’t cry when we decided to finally “try and see what happens.”
I didn’t cry during the previous 6 months when every test was negative.
I didn’t cry when I finally saw the 2 pink lines. Even after 3 tests.
I didn’t cry when I realized how everything that we’ve ever known was about to change.
I didn’t cry when I told my husband.

I didn’t cry when I thought about being able to do one of the announcement ideas I had saved on Pinterest.

I didn’t cry during those next 5 weeks while I had to wait for the doctors appointment.
I held it together. Because, I don’t cry.
I didn’t cry thinking about worst case scenarios. Or even the happy ones.
I didn’t even cry when the doctor held the portable monitor to my stomach on April 24, 2017.
Tears started to well up in my eyes when a heartbeat was found and the doctor smirked. I wiped away a tear as I finally released the breath I had been holding for weeks. That breathe which contained the fear of no heartbeat. Not because I was having complications but because I was finally getting excited.
Tears welled up in my eyes during the ultrasound that same visit when I finally got to see a picture of what I’d been hiding for the past 9 weeks. Happy tears that we could confidently tell our secret.
But, I did not cry. Sure there were tears, but not a sobbing, needing a tissue, emotional cry. Just tears.
I didn’t cry when the technician started talking in medical terms. Terms I hadn’t heard of or even been aware of. Which was shocking considering my nightly What to Expect Google searches.
I didn’t cry when the technician printed off a series of ultrasound photos and left the exam room to show the doctor we had just met 20 minutes prior. I didn’t cry when the doctor appeared in the doorway. Or while we talked. Or when I anxiously demanded the additional test he mentioned.
I didn’t cry on the drive home while I tried to look out the window and not at Mitch.
Because I don’t cry.
But, when I was finally alone.
In my car.
In the old Bilo Supermarket parking lot.

Something came over me and I cried.

And cried.

Weeks worth of crying. All at once. And there was nothing I could do about it. The more I tried to stop myself the more upset I got.
I wish it had made me feel better. But it did the opposite actually.
Because I don’t cry.
We had to wait 3 weeks, about 21 days, roughly 504 hours, to find out that everything was okay. One simple blood work test refuted all the fears we had to unnecessarily endure.
I am still stunned as to how all of this played out. Maybe one day I’ll write a more in depth post about it and how I truly felt but it was such a dark time that I don’t care to re-live it in full right now.
Long story short: As we were checking out and scheduling our next appointment we were offered an ultrasound that day. We thought we were lucky to snag an early ultrasound but in reality that was not the case. The technician noticed something during the exam but should have never been looking for it or alarmed us by even mentioning it to us at only 9 weeks pregnant. No one wants to hear the words “possible abnormalities” when they are staring at the ultrasound screen of their baby – let alone their first pregnancy appointment of their first child.
I feel silly being dramatic about this but for a person who is naturally negative like myself – it just reaffirmed my fears that something bad was going to happen. Even when we learned that everything was okay I couldn’t relax. I was a nervous wreck for every doctor appointment after that, especially the ultrasounds. Sure, I probably would have been nervous even if that didn’t happen, but it just gave me more of a reason to worry. That ultrasound tech robbed so much joy from my pregnancy. Which again sounds dramatic, but at the time it was. 
Luckily, we had a happy ending. Even though I went into labor unexpectedly at 36 weeks.

**I wrote part of this post after we received the results of the blood test and it came back negative. But because I was so afraid to jinx myself I didn’t post it, or look at it again until now.**

The Truth About Pregnancy – Volume 1

Honestly, pregnancy was pretty easy for me. I never suffered from morning sickness and felt really good the majority of the time. My skin never looked better which I absolutely loved since I had been suffering from adult acne for years and it cleared up while I was pregnant- go figure.
I only gained 27 pounds and lost all of that a few weeks after giving birth (don’t worry, once I started drinking wine again I promptly gained a lot of it back.) I only had to buy a handful of maternity pieces and that was mostly because I felt obligated too. I completely expected to gain a TON of weight during pregnancy so I wanted to be prepared with some larger pants and shirts. I exercised the whole 8 months (I had Stella 4 weeks early without complications, thankfully) so I think exercising really helped me physically and mentally.
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I’m not saying any of this to brag! Just wanted to share my experience because everything that I read made me believe I was going to gain 100 pounds and look like an acne filled emotional hog beast. Now that isn’t to say that everything was all rainbows and butterflies.. below are a few things that I found surprising/annoying about pregnancy.
1) Bloating. 
This was one of the FIRST symptoms I had that made me wonder if I was pregnant. My stomach was so bloated in the first few weeks of pregnancy that I thought I looked more pregnant at 6 weeks than I did at 6 months. I don’t have photos to show you because I was so incredibly miserable I didn’t want to document it. It was painful. I could not button my pants and even my loose fitting knit pajamas were tight. It didn’t feel like the normal “I ate too many tacos” stomach bloating that we’ve all experienced – it was 10x worse. Apparently its because of the hormones, and progesterone, and yadda yadda. Regardless – it sucks. It did subside after a few weeks.
2) Swelling.
I could probably categorize this under bloating but I want to touch on this separately. My boobs started to swell up to a monstrous state around the same time as the bloating started but whereas the bloating stopped – the swelling did not. This may be welcome to some women who want larger boobs but for me – it was hell. I had to stop wearing my under wire bras pretty early on in the pregnancy. I outgrew every bra I owned and I spent a fortune on bras from department stores trying to find something that was “comfortable enough”to wear. If I added up the cost of each of those I’d probably puke because I bet its more than a designer purse. The only bras that were comfortable on my body were Genie Bras (the ones you see on the early morning infomercials.)  Later on I found these at Motherhood, a maternity store, and loved them even more.

3) Loneliness. 
Ironic, huh? How can you feel lonely while you’re growing another human inside your own body who is with you ALL the time? I don’t know but it was truly one of those loneliest times of my life. I felt very isolated. It was very strange and I think it put a huge damper on the pregnancy.
4) Weight Gain.
I never thought I was a superficial person but gaining weight really affected me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it and even though I reminded myself that I was growing and nourishing a baby inside my body I hated the weight gain and how I looked. Looking back, I realize I didn’t gain much weight but at the time I felt massive. On the flip side people would always comment on how “good” I looked pregnant or would harp on the fact that I was barely showing (my baby bump didn’t pop until month 6.) Which would upset me more because it made me feel like something must be wrong if I wasn’t showing yet. Side note: why do people think its appropriate or acceptable to comment on a pregnant woman’s body? It was a daily occurrence which is probably why I was so self conscious. 
5) Doctor Appointments are bullshit boring.
In the movies they glorify pregnancy doctor appointments – ultrasounds, beautiful exam rooms and happiness galore. This is complete bullshit. Or maybe it was just at my doctors office. I spent the majority of the time in the waiting room and 10-15 minutes max at the actual appointment. 
6) Negative thoughts.
I don’t want to scare anyone or make a newly pregnant person scared but I was constantly worried about the state of the baby. Constantly. I worry alllll the time about everything and pregnancy just heightened it. I spent hours on the What to Expect forums reading the worst case scenarios. I am not proud of this and wish I never did it but I couldn’t stop myself. I think this also contributed to the lonely factor. I had all these thoughts but felt like I had no one to share them with because pregnancy is supposed to be glorious and magical – not ridden with worry and negative thoughts.

7) You may not feel the baby kick.
I had an anterior placenta – meaning the placenta was located in the front of my uterus which acted like a barrier so I didn’t feel much baby movement until the last few months. I didn’t know this until my 20 week appointment either so I was afraid that something was wrong that I wasn’t feeling kicks. BUT then the last 2 months the baby kicked the crap out of me. She had her little feet up near my rib cage and she made up for all of those months of me not being able to feel her by constantly kicking my ribs.

8) The bathroom.
I peed ALL the time, which is expected. However, I didn’t expect to pee so much in the first trimester. During that time your kidneys are processing the extra blood your body is producing and causes you to pee more – or something like that. Sometimes I would pee and as I was walking out of the bathroom I would have the urge to pee again. This lasted through most of the first and all of the last trimester. On the other hand – constipation is a real bitch. A real, painful, relentless bitch. No amount of prunes, fiber, water, or witchcraft will help you.

What were some annoying/surprising things you experienced during pregnancy?

Sincerely and Sarcastically,


Blogger Resurgence

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Something must be in the air because I have seen quite a few OG bloggers make an appearance over the past couple months. They all disappeared relatively quickly and I thought this trend was over. Of course, a few stuck around and managed to monetize on their blogs and start a whole new era of sponsored posts, LIKEtoKNOW.it OOTDs, and Instagram Loop giveaways. As with anything- seasons change, crazes end, and the current hot ticket item becomes old. However, there is one trend that has not gone out of style I guess.

Which is writing. 
All of the posts I saw from these bloggers confessed their love of writing and how they missed the act of writing. I think most of them got burnt out trying to keep up with the current trends and quit while they were ahead.

I am thrilled to see new posts from these blogs that I followed for years and it actually inspired me to shake the dust off of my space here on the internet. So much has happened over the past few years and I haven’t shared any of that on here (wedding, honeymoon, new house, and a BABY.)

I thought about deleting all of my old posts and starting over fresh because some of those posts are just downright embarrassing but what fun would that be? So please tread carefully when trolling through my old posts.

So here I am. Currently on week 10 of my maternity leave, covered in spit up, drinking luke warm coffee and reading blogs – not a bad day if you ask me.

Sincerely & Sarcastically,