I’m taking over Mom’s blog today. No need to thank me. We all know she’s been slacking lately with this whole thing which is ironic since she doesn’t do anything else besides vacuum and complain about pet hair (damn cat anyway…) She has more than enough time to blog, don’t let her fool you.
I wanted to hack into her blog because I have a few things to say and I’ve seen Veenie and the General do this a few times at Venus Trapped in Mars. Mom has never offered to let me guest post but I think that’s because she’s still a little pissed at me since I stole her fiancé. Whatever.
It was 3 years ago on December 3rd that Dad adopted me and I thought I’d take this time to thank Dad and
the housekeeper, I mean Mom for all they do for me. So thanks.
But why I’m really here is to discuss a few serious matters. Every great relationship starts with communication, or something like that. I heard it on Dr. Phil the other day. So, without further ado:
The bragging. While I love to hear you tell everyone about the cool tricks I do and how adorable I am.. it is too much pressure. Have you ever heard of stage parents? Yeah? Well then get a hobby and get off my back.
The crate. Really? What in the actual hell were you thinking with that crap? I’m glad you finally realized I was un-crateable and now we can all live happily together. Without a cage.
My new bed. That big fluffy king sized bed is my favorite. I’m glad you now see that little napkin sized bed on the floor wasn’t up to par. But really? White sheets? And my black fur? Duh.
Bones. I hear you guys making fun of me when I don’t eat the rawhides but rather hide them around the house. Stay out of my business.
Goldfish crackers. I think it’s time you swapped out my boring old food for Goldfish crackers. You know how much I love them.
Walks. This is a serious one. Why don’t we go for walks in the winter? All summer long we went for long strolls through the neighborhood and I miss that, What gives? You silly humans can’t handle a brisk wintry walk? How about you go collect alllllll of that pet hair that you bitch about and sew yourself a little furry jacket to put on your wimpy ass and take me for a walk?
The cuddling has got to stop. Just because I’m little doesn’t mean you can grab me whenever you want. I’m starting to develop a complex.
Baths. Are you trying to drown me? And what’s up with that groomer lady who comes by once a month? Do you like paying other humans to torture me? Because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.
This one might be the most serious offense… the nicknames. Oh God. The nicknames.Why do you need to have so many of them? Bay-Ree. BaileyBoo. Sugar. Suggie Bear. Suggie Monster. Princess Bear. Prettiest Girl in the World. Sweet Little Baby Princess Fluffy Ears. Seriously. Stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.
So, as you can see we have a lot to work on. Thankfully, the New Year is right around the corner and now you have a drafted list of Resolutions. You’re welcome.