I’d hire men to kidnap my family.

I’ve seen a few of these posts in the past, and if I could remember for the life of me where I saw them I’d reference them but my memory is shot and I feel like a drunk Kim Richards on most days.

kim richards

Anyway. I day dream quite often about winning the lottery. Even if I buy a $1 scratch off ticket I get a brief glimpse of hope that this could be the winning ticket.

charlie and the chocolate factory, lottery

I rarely have cash on me so if I happen to see a few bucks in my wallet and I’m near a lotto machine I instantly think “Wow.. this is a sign.. I need to spend these $3, its meant to be!”

I stand in front of the machine and try to find the ticket that “speaks to me.” 9 out of 10 times that voice is wrong.

But still. It’s fun while it lasts.


1// I would book a tropical trip for my family and not tell them I won the lottery. I would then stage a kidnapping by men in ski masks who would throw them into large windowless white vans. How amazing would they feel after they find out they are in fact on their way to a tropical location and not getting kidnapped and murdered? Genius. I know.


2// I would buy all of the cars I wanted growing up including: a 1970’s VW bug, 2000 VW Beetle, Toyota Celica. Yeah.. I’m super cool.

toyota celica

3// Hire a full time hair stylist.

4// Buy a large property with 7 different houses and 1 communal back yard for my family. Surrounded by an electric fence. And a moat. Filled with crocodiles. That seems a little dramatic but we tend to be antisocial.

5//Eat all the junk I want and then get liposuction. I just want to eat Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust pizza and not feel guilty… I can’t bring myself to eat it now but when if I win the lotto ALL bets are off.

And then I’ll hire a personal trainer. Who looks like Brad Pitt.

…..Better yet – I will hire Brad Pitt circa Fight Club to train me. Purr.

6// Send out an urgent search to find Bailey’s parents and puppy brothers/sisters =( I wonder if she thinks of them ever..

…. Which reminds me.. I’d also get a Change-O Machine to change my brother into a puppy brother.

change o machine, puppy brother

7// Buy a plane for Paco. He’s afraid to fly, but I bet I could get him to go anywhere if he was the pilot.

8// Buy a MargaritaVille restaurant franchise on a Florida beach. Why? Because why not.

9// Start my own reality show.

10// Plan a lavishly expensive dream wedding but then serve pizza and beer (Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust… of course.)

Until then.. I will continue to dream.


One thought on “I’d hire men to kidnap my family.

  1. Yeah and he has to be topless and just as sweaty as he was in the movie! (Sad that that's all I took from this post.) Just kidding it wasn't! I love how I have a zillion damn blogs to read in my Bloglovin' feed and I have to go to yours because the title is so awesome. I knew it would be funny. See… I don't care about what people wore to the park on Saturday or how to make an adorable cupcake I'll never be able to replicate. I want to read why you want to hire men to kidnap your family. I'm quite happy I stopped by.


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